Monday, April 19, 2021

Off the Route to Heaven, Saint Bernard's Shrine [Legamon]

This is a dungeon for a game that doesn't, technically speaking, have any rules. Be you warned.

Climbing the wooded hills to the shrine, you see its eroded walls and its patinated bronze belltower. You've heard rumor that TEAM VANDAL seeks to achieve control of the shrine so they may find the legamon RESERVOIRGOYLE in their backsliding ambition for power. Unlike a true masters, who train the legamon they have a connection with, they seek simple advantage of force, thinking that the RESERVOIRGOYLE's rare ROCK/FLYING type combined with its WATER moves will make it unstoppable.


The signature feature of this shrine is its water spouts (shown on the map as little pac-mans), carved to resemble leering visages from the time when legamon were worshipped as gods. If you get within 4 squares (~20 ft) in a straight line of the spout, it activates, throwing you 6 squares straight away from it. If the spout throws you into a wall or onto the floor, you are bruised but take no damage. If it throws you onto a wall of spikes, you are killed. If it throws you into the path of another spout, that spout also shoots you away from it.

Two of the spouts (6 and 10) are shaded on the map. This is to indicate their angling base. The lever at point 4 raises whichever of the two is level and levels whichever of the two is raised. A raised spout shoots you over other spouts or even walls.

Random Encounter (See Legadex below)
1. Guppriest
2. Sinod
3. Sinod
4. Architesque
5. Architesque
6. Architesque

Points of Interest:
1. Simple stone door guarded by VANDAL TATWINE, sucking a lollipop. 

  • His mon: Handgunpoint (see legadex below)
  • Before a battle: "You there! Hand over your wallet! This legamon's loaded!"
2. Main room: Filled with grotesque statuary, many covered in waterlogged prayers written on paper or thin wooden slates. At the far end you can see a wide-mouthed stone statue behind a doorway, sunlight from above giving it an aura of dust motes. There are three doors in the left wall and three in the right.
  • Searching among the statuary reveals an OW WOW BALL, which is even more effective against wounded legamon than normal.
3. Approaching this room in the usual way will get you thrown back by a gout of water from the water spout in the center of the room. However, it is clear that a large spiral staircase around the spout leads up to the room of the shrine and to the bell in its belfry. (See the The Roof section below.) The door to the east leads to a room which now only contains the vandals' camp, with scavenged lamps, candles, artifacts, and the like.

4. VANDAL THEKLA investigating an ornate stone lever. Behind her, a mural of Saint Bernard brandishing a LEGABALL
  • Pulling this lever angles the spouts at point 6 and point 10, such that only one is angled up at a time. Currently, spout 10 is raised and spout 6 is level.
  • Pushing the LEGABALL in the mural causes part of the wall to slide back, revealing the way into point 13.
  • Her mon: Handgunpoint, Crudebris (see legadex below)
  • Before a battle: "This place was supposed to be abandoned. What are you doing here, twerp(s)?"
5. Very obvious series of wall-spikes. Walking in front of them will cause a water spout to blast you into the spikes, killing you. 

6. An angling spout (currently level) that can be angled up by the lever at point 4 to jump over the spout at point 7. Besides it is a small table with offerings of incense, burnt spirit money, perfume, and candles.
  • Searching the table also yields a CD-ROM containing TM SLOW TIME, a move which decreases other mons’ speed in a battle, but it also slows time for all but the mon it is taught to. A potent power indeed.
7. Passing this spout, or opening the door, causes it to blast you into the main room. Behind the spout is a small dais containing an ornate stone key (the odd symbol on the map.)

8. Passing before this spout causes it to blast you into the firing line of the spout at point 9, firing you back into the main room.

9. Passing this spout, or opening the door, causes it to blast you into the main room. 

10. An angling spout (currently raised) that can be angled level by the lever at point 4. Since it is currently raised, it can launch you over a low wall of spikes and safely over the firing line of the spout facing point 9, effectively allowing you to bypass it. When it is lowered to a level posiiton, the spout launches you into the spike wall, killing you.

11.  VANDAL MECHTILDE, studying an old book
  • This book contains clues leading to a hidden location, buried treasure, or rare legamon.
  • Her mon: Trenchant, Cower  (see legadex below)
  • Before a battle: "The more I study the ancient masters, the more I realize they were nothing more than weak pedants. I'm sure you're the same. Let's battle!"
12. Among piles of stone and clay refuse, VANDAL DUNSTON guards a large keyhole in the wall. 
  • Inserting the stone key from point 7 unlocks a passage into point 3.
  • Searching through the refuse, a titanium spearhead can be found. This is in fact the head of a MON-SPEAR, which in ancient days allowed humans to contend with the most powerful legamon in battle.
  • His mon: Rifling, Crudebris, Trenchant
  • Before a battle: "The boss says no one gets up the bell tower, and what CLUNY says goes! Get ready to get vandalized!"
13. Old man in a dark robe.
  • The gender tutor will ask you if you are “satisfied with the gender of yourself and of your legamon?” If you ask for clarification, he will ask if you are a BOY or a GIRL or whatever. For creatures who are unsatisfied, he can suggest a new gender and effect the change instantaneously. As a mystic, he does not deign to answer questions about what he is doing here or what his whole deal is. He certainly doesn’t explain what he does with all the genders he acquires.
The Roof
Upon ascending the steps, you notice a bottle of FULLY REVIVE JUICE as you walk around the large bronze bell, a large statue turns to face you. This is RESERVOIRGOYLE, and it will attack on sight. It is formidable, nigh-legendary, and has effective attacks of the ROCK, FLYING, and WATER types. 
  • If it defeats you, ICONOCLAST CLUNY emerges from his hiding place in a pidgie-nook to seize the weakened mon. 
  • If you defeat Reservoirgoyle, he will battle you for the privilege of capturing it, waiting just long enough for you to revive the mon if you act fast.
  • His mon: 2kimbo, Havocrude, Vaingulate, Maguslag (see legadex below)
  • Before a battle: "I'm ICONOCLAST CLUNY, and you're about to be cast down... from this roof! Crime is something I enjoy!"
  • If he loses a battle, the bell above him tolls as the rope breaks, smashing into him as both tumble down the stairwell.
  • Guppriest, the guilty guppy legamon [water].
  • Cower, the fearful calf legamon [fire].
  • Vaingulate, the conceited cow legamon [fire].
  • Architesque, the caryatid legamon [rock]. Ugly in the extreme, architesques are said to be placed in holy sites to eavesdrop on pilgrims.
  • Sinod, the idol legamon [rock/dark]. Each sinod contains an ancient demon. Cracking one open blasted the giant crater where Old Toul used to be.
  • Reservoirgoyle, the spitting statue legamon [rock/flying]. This pokemon is created when an Architesque gains a human soul, in this case the soul of Saint Bernard.
  • Handgunpoint, the pistol legamon [steel]. By ancient decree, this legamon cannot be employed by any authority, for then no official could count themselves safe from their rivals.
  • Rifling, the long-gun legamon [steel]. Their trainers sometimes affix bayonets to aid in the mon’s literal thirst for violence. Evolves from Handgunpoint.
  • 2kimbo, the twin-linked legamon [steel]. The 2kimbo’s fast-firing barrels are said to be the source of most of the world’s lead. Evolves from Rifling.
  • Crudebris, the shatter-master legamon [ground]. Scientists have proven that these creatures are definitely not wombats on metabolic steroids.
  • Havocrude, the breaker-commander legamon [ground]. Scientists are pretty sure this one is on steroids. Evolves from Crudebris.
  • Trenchant, the stubborn legamon [ground]. This burrowing mustelid is known to wait out rival trenchants for territory, sometimes staring at each other from their dens for seasons.
  • Maguslag, the punished legamon [fire]. This singed humanoid legamon emerges from the fiery interior of the earth. They are known to be capable magicians.


  1. "From the time they were worshipped as gods"

    Did their divinity cease after the mandate of heavan was taken from them? Are they yet cloaking their true natures for an upcoming attack on the bipedal fleshy parasite incursion? Was humanity simply blind to see that they were the very same 'mon, but that their power could be unlocked through extended ritual, and that a 'mon cold war is on the horizon? The possibilities are endless...

  2. Ooh this is a nice dungeon. I would imagine the legendary is what.. a level 6 or something? So it has plenty of moves

    1. I have no idea what the rules of this game would be, so your guess is, in fact, better than mine.

  3. This is hilarious and immediately gameable. Once, you know, there's rules.