d30 Harlot Encounter Table

 It occurs to me this would seem totally out of left field and on the border of poor taste if one wasn't already familiar with D&D's beloved, mostly useless official harlot encounter table.

Harlot Encounter Table

1. Sovenly trull
2. Brazen (DR 5, immune to lightning) strumpet
3. A trey of tarts
4. A volume of trollops
5. An anthology of pros
6. 2d4 ladies of the knight, disguised. He would pay a small fee to learn members of his house disgraced him so.
7. 1d4+1 Biologists, studying ekdysis
8. Foreign queen, exiled for permissive religious regime. Hunted by dogs. Accompanied by brass Mosaical snakeman gigalo
9. Fighting Joe Hooker, a general seeking soldiers and prostitutes and soldier-prostitutes.
10. 1d2 Escorts— expensive and, if you’re rude, doxxy.
11. Archetypal Streetwalker, unlimited yet fixed.
12. Wonton wench (doubly employed)
13. Hottie Cartesian, mind elsewhere
14. Aged (centuries old, but always born 29 years ago) madam
15. Succubus apprentrix, getting shown the ropes by an expert daemona. (Services are low-cost, take four times as long, and drain 1d4 HP in the form of accidental abrasion, scratches, ropeburn, and awkward coaching)
16. 1d6 alley catgirls (if 4 or more, 1-in-6 chance of a calico queen)
17. 1d3 Bankside ladies, offering also a sucker (non-euphenism) and after-hours checking.
18. Veiled cockatrice
19. Creature of the night (1d6: 1. Vampire, 2. Werewolf, 3. Ghost, 4. Owl, 5. Bat, 6. Thing that goes bump)
20. Dutch Widow, prone to showing knick-knacks from her husband’s valiant service in the polder, all at an oblique angle.
21. Gamester (d3: 1 n00b, 2. 1337, 3. MLG)
22. 1d4 Hirelings
23. Mermaid, with exquisite skirt and purse
24. Nymph of the darkness, making her home in a nearby linden tree
25. Painted lady, skilled in autoörigami
26. 1d8 Skainsmates (stats as 1 HD fighter)
27. Local horndog (gore 1d8, track by scent)
28. 1d6 fuckboys (large muscles, as peasant)
29. Muttonmonger (doubly employed)
30. Cuckold (gore 1d8)