Better Not Miss: Picture Pong with deus ex parabola

 deus ex parabola has sent me this picture, in order that I might explain it to her

On False Hearts

One does not need to live in the world for long, and have their hair go white, and grow wrinkles that mark their laughter and scowls, and let their many wounds heal into strong scars like the fabled tree-punching martial artists, to know that there are many heartless among us. They are those with cruel and arbitrary lines, disingenuine and capable of quite impulsive and unmeditated harm.

Out of rare shame, perhaps picked up like a flea from a wandering philosopher or some rough mode of living, some of these heartless creatures fashion for themselves a new heart, but because they are unacquainted with warmth of virtue they fashion lopsided things. Their imitations are mockeries of the heroes and sufferers they found in old storybooks, the ones they called stupid, simplistic, and unbelievable.

The heart, built with no medical knowledge, has its usual caricature-shape. It glows through the chest of the craftsperson, but they are relieved to find that no one can detect its light for the same reason that they could make it only with the greatest effort and to the least effect. Their embarrassing secret is safe. At this stage, it is usual for the heart to last until the winds of misfortune pick up, and it gutters and dies like a candle in the wind.

Sometimes, it doesn't.

A Class

Requires (paradoxically) a heart.

For every template attained, get +1 to HP and AC.

• C: Glow
• D: Shine

Glow: Your chest throbs with an invisible light, cast out to about 15' feet. You can see this invisible light, the light of others of this class, and any other invisible light you may come across. Especially cruel people within this light seem monochromatic to you, and if you wound them the light burns them for an extra +[template] damage.

Shine: Animals who are not hostile to you can see the invisible light in you, reducing the chance they will attack out of startlement. Morally upright animals, like dogs, may seek to help you. If you embrace someone and hold them close to your heart, you can spend any amount of HP to let them regain twice the amount lost. If two members of this class ever found each other, they would grow very close indeed.

d10 Holy Drugs (Practitioners V. II)

In Holy Selmat, the first gigre was revealed to a village elder in a dream. It was the recipe for a drug that protected holy men and gave them miraculous powers. Since then, different gigre have been invented (discovered? bestowed?) and its use is common even outside of Selmat. The Prophet Ehud is said to have created several skews of gigre.

All drugs follow the same rules. Three times a day while under the effect of a drug, you can spend a "wisp" to either add a d8 to a related test or to use its associated power. Each drug has at least one commandment. Breaking it makes you Unclean, which is a condition that prevents you from benefiting from holy or chemic spells. It also makes you unlucky. If something bad happens to a random member of your party, it happens to you. You must spend an hour ritually cleaning yourself to undo this effect. So:

• Wine: Helps to resist fear. You can get a feeling of whether divine magic is at play. Attacking your guest or host is unclean to you.
• Opium: Helps to befriend intoxicated people. You can get a feeling of whether chemic is at play. Manual work is unclean to you.
• Absynthe: Helps to resist fear. You can get a feeling of whether arcane magic is at play. Attentiveness is unclean to you.

Michael Sztuka Sowa

Gigre is different in only a few ways. It has more commandments, and sometimes has mortal sins. Commiting a mortal sin is like the fall of a paladin, and makes you unclean until you perform an extreme act of penance such as a quest. The upside is that gigres confer a greater power than mundane drugs. If you have are a practitioner, the Selmat equivalent of a paladin, gigres are abundant and have additional uses. A new gigre recipe makes for good treasure.

d10 Holy Drugs

1. Gigre of Angled Sight: Must remain silent every seventh day. On all other days, must compose a stanza. Must only eat seeds and meat. Indiscretion is a mortal sin. Additionally, you can see around corners but dead bodies are unclean to you.
2. Gigre of Justification: Must drink saltwater daily and only travel by starlight. Must keep a servant. Gullibility is a mortal sin. Additionally, you have an affinity with lions but the touch of a wolf is unclean.
3. Gigre of Sensual Embers: Must obey all laws and break bread daily. Must mark yourself with the blood of a relative. Betrayal is a mortal sin. Additionally, menstruation is unclean but if you would become pregnant, you instead gain a temporary level for nine months.
4. Gigre of Cometary Inertia: Must stay perfectly groomed. Must burn incense in prayer daily. Cannot ride any animal. Malice is a mortal sin. Additionally, you are untrippable and inexorable but sex is unclean to you.
5. Gigre of Cannibal Honor: Must consume the brain of an intelligent creature weekly. Must give your true name to anyone who asks it. Cannot imprison anyone. Weakness is a mortal sin. Additionally, you are immune to charms and staggering but holy days are unclean to you.
6. Gigre of Natal Strength: Must carry a weapon at all times. Must abstain from non-gigre drugs. Cannot take another life, even that of a fly. Abandonment is a mortal sin. Additionally, reduce the chance of miscarriage or complications of childbirth by 75%.
7. Gigre of Licit Work: May avoid sabbath restrictions. This gigre has fewer commandments, but a weak power.
8. Gigre of Circumlocution: Must keep all secrets. Must avoid direct sunlight when possible. Cannot tell the truth about yourself. Submission is a mortal sin. Additionally, you can pass through walls but entrapment is unclean to you.
9. Gigre of the Smiths: Must sleep indoors. Must flagellate self daily (1d4 damage). Vandalism is a mortal sin. Cannot be untrusting. You can extrude tools from your body or transmute one to another, but meditation is unclean to you.
10. Gigre of Revealed Wisdoms: Must engage in hedonistic acts whenever possible. Must accept all challenges and wagers. You get hunches about whether an act would be for weal and/or woe but firelight is unclean to you

A dose of gigre is of comparable value to a potion or scroll. A gigre recipe is of comparable value to a minor magical item.

Daniel Romanovsky

Finally, I present the updated practitioner. This class is a little more complex than average, since it tracks wisps per day as well as spells. Remember, the average intoxicated person can spend three wisps per day.

-PRACTITIONER-

Starting skill: drugcrafting

1: See evil, Plenty

2: +1 CD, Smite

3: +1 wisp, Tribulation,

4: +1 CD, Reckoning

• Chemic Dice: Charisma is your casting ideal. You begin play knowing two footnotes and three random formulae. More formulae can be learned through study. To cast a formula, you invest at least one chemic die. They work like wizard dice invested in wizard spells.
• Plenty: You can automatically gather enough ingredients to dose one person with any gigre whose recipe you know per day. You start with knowledge of one gigre recipe.
• See evil: Name three things which would make someone evil by your standards. As an action, you can identify who before you is evil by this definition.
• Smite: If a foe is evil, you may spend a wisp of gigre to deal an extra +1d6 damage to that target for the rest of a combat.
• Tribulation: When you lay low an evil foe, you may immediately use one of your formulae or regain one wisp.
• Reckoning: When you lay low an evil foe, regain a chemic die.

Practitioner Footnotes:

1. Smell Drugs: range 30'
2. Secret Combination: magical convince someone you will keep their secret, but only if you intend to.
3. Alter disease: can direct illnesses to act differently with a test of charisma.

Practitioner formulae:

1. Divine Lacuna: A single god chosen by the caster cannot see the target. Lasts [dice] days
2. Wisp: you gain [dice] more wisps of gigre.
3. Acute Quintessence: The weapon grants +[dice] to Attack. The next hit deals +1d6+[dice] damage, then the spell ends
4. Alter Self: Change your physical appearance, 2 CD changes voice to match.
5. Rubbery Body: +3 AC against bludgeoning. Immune to fall damage and similar things. Amazing contortions. Lasts [dice] minutes.
6. Shrink: For [dice] hours, target becomes half their size.
7. Adhesive Spittle: ranged attack to stick target in place for [dice] rounds.
8. Truth paste: when consumed, cannot lie. 2+ CD, must answer all questions.
9. Torque: automatically fail initiative and move slowly, but roll advantage on physical rolls. Lasts [dice] rounds.
10. Transparency: +2 AC and +5 stealth for each CD.

Warrior Elite

Especially in 3.5 and Pathfinder, rangers are sort of misshapen. Now they share a class with paladins and knights-- each a guardian of a certain range, whether its a town or a spot of wilderness. "Favored enemy"is rolled into the more flavorful smite ability.

ERRANT (knight, ranger, steward, samurai)

1	Bodyguard 1/day, Privileged position	0 slot per day
2	Smite, attack +1	0 slots per day
3	Spells, inspiration	1 slots per day
4	Bodyguard 2/day, attack +1	2 slots per day
5	Second Magnitude	4 slots per day
6	Legendary, attack +1	7 slots per day
7	Third Magnitude	10 slots per day
8	Bodyguard 3/day, attack +1	15 slots per day
9	Fourth Magnitude	20 slots per day
10	Rally, attack +1	27 slots per day

Starting Skills: Expertise (surveying) or (heraldry) and any two.

Bodyguard: You may parry an incoming attack aimed at an adjacent ally, reducing the damage by 1d12.

Privileged position:

You get a new skill, “pull rank,” which you can use in circumstances where another character respects your social role as an errant, knight, noble, or other steward 

Pull Rank (cha)

• compel: If you succeed by less than five, pick one. If you succeed by 5+, pick three: convince them it’s appropriate for you to be here, convince them you’re more important than them, convince them to report their orders.

Smite: Pick a favored enemy from the list below, or roll randomly. When attacking such people, get +2 damage.

Table 14: Those Set out for Smiting

1. The truly wicked 

2. The truly pure  

3. Criminals 

4. Animals 

5. The undead 

6. Lawkeepers 

7. Nobles 

8. Peasants 

9. Soldiers 

10. Sorcerers and binders 

11. Priests and Loresages 

12. Wizards and other scholars

Spells:

As you develop your skills, you learn a handful of spells. At third level and every level after, select two spells to learn. All spells you know are recorded in writing, which you consult each day. When you consult your spellbook, you decide which spells you will be able to cast that day and how many times you can cast each one. For each casting of a starting-level spell, you must commit one spell slot. Later magnitudes cost a number of slots equal to their magnitude.

Magnitudes: Errants cannot learn spells of a higher magnitude than their level allows.

Inspiration: The errant can make a charisma test to allow an ally to ignore most debilitating physical conditions for at least a minute. This cannot be used on the same condition twice.

Legendary: Your skills are known far and wide. Rumor rolls about you need test 5 lower than usual. You will be periodically approached by wanderers asking for you to teach them. Most governments will pay you a commission to oversee a region. If you are ever asked (or forced) into an army, you will be given an officer’s title.

Rally: Once per day, an errant can attempt to inspire all allies at once. Additionally, all nearby allies may test constitution to regain 10 hp.

ERRANT SPELL LIST

There are no special restrictions on which spells from the errant spell list errants are allowed to cast.

Spell Name	Domains	Magnitude	Effect
Ancestral Army	Spirit, leadership, shadow	Fourth	You are surrounded by the ghostly hosts of the honored dead. Each round, you may make two extra attacks and have a free use of the parry and bodyguard ability. Also, they wreck up the place. Lasts five minutes. This spell requires concentration.
Antipodes	tactics	First	Each circumstantial bonus you get for combat increases by one. Lasts five minutes.
Attuned Weapon	Strike, fire, cold, metal, weapon	First	Your weapon glows with potent energy. The next time you hit an opponent, it deals an additional d6 of damage.
Charm Animal	Charm, animal	First	One animal target treats you like their friend. You can cast this spell at third magnitude to affect a group of people.
Cut Down	Strike	Fourth	You gain the cut down fighter class feature for the next ten minutes. This spell requires concentration.
Dancing Blade	Enchantment, weapon, wind	Second	Your weapon floats around you and attacks with a bonus equal to your highest magnitude attained, dealing the weapon’s base damage. Lasts five minutes.
Dispel Transformation	dispel	Third	All transformation spells before you end. If they were cast by a higher-level caster, you must make a spellcraft test, modified by their level, to succeed. This spell requires concentration.
Fell the Beast!	leadership	Second	Your allies gain your smite ability for the next hour.
Flyting Weapon	Strike, tactics, weapon, speech	Third	Your weapon sings with crass disses. Each hit inflicts a point of fatigue, and your opponent must test wisdom to flee or use any clever tricks.
Fool Me Once	tactics	Second	Ignore a combat maneuver or trick that an opponent already successfully pulled off on you.
Hate	Emotion, strike	First	For the next hour, you get +2 to hit and damage targets of your smite, but with each hit you inflict you take 2 damage.
Hospitality	Curse, emotion, ritual, item, enchantment	Second	You place a talisman as a centerpiece of your dining table. As long as it physically stays there, no treachery may be performed there.
Mano a Mano	Curse, tactics	Second	Target foe gets a -1 penalty to hit for each ally fighting against you, to a maximum penalty of your level.
Mystery (natural)	Ritual, nature	First	The target gets a random loresage natural mystery. This lasts for 12 hours.
Oath of Peace	Charm, curse, ritual	Third	A defeated foe must agree to follow the law and be non-aggressive.
Parley	Charm	First	The target tests wisdom or becomes willing to hear you out for at least a minute. Fails if they are threatened. This spell requires concentration.
Parsimonious strike	Strike	Second	Strike an enemy who has not acted yet in this combat. If you hit, deal double damage but skip your next turn. This spell requires concentration.
Pathfinding	Nature	First	Reroll a survivalism, expertise (nature), or expertise (surveying) test and take the better result.
Puissant Parry	Tactics	Second	The next time you are attacked, you may reduce the damage taken by 1d12. Lasts five minutes.
Radioactive Weapon	Radiation, strike, light, disease, weapon	Fourth	Your weapon glows with potent energy, brighter than a torch. For the next ten minutes, it deals an additional d6 of damage and forces the target to test constitution or become terminally ill. This spell requires concentration.
Seance	Necromancy, spirit, ritual	Third	You channel the departed spirits of those who have died in the area, or who otherwise have a connection to your location. Through you, they may converse and can answer questions, thought they may require bargaining for the juiciest information.
Sincerity	emotion	First	Become proficient in a skill to convince someone when you are being honest.
Speak with Trees	Nature, speech	First	You may use use expertise (surveying) to bargain and gossip with trees, as per the implicature and rumor skills. This spell requires concentration.
Speak with Weapons	Metal, speech, weapon	First	You may use use craft or expertise (heraldry) to bargain and gossip with weapons, as per the implicature and rumor skills. This spell requires concentration.
Tenacity	Emotion, tactics	First	+2 to a skill
Torque	Emotion, tactics, transformation	Third	Act last in the initiative, but get +2 AC, attack, and strength and constitution tests.
True North	Divination, metal	First (cantrip)	You know the direction of magnetic north.
Unblockable Strike	Strike, ooze	Third	Make an attack that automatically hits.
William Tell	Strike	Third	Make a free ranged attack, and it lands precisely where you intend it. You automatically hit any enemy, etc. This spell requires concentration.
Wyrding Weapon	Strike, divination, weapon	Fourth	Each time you hit a foe, ask a question about them and receive some kind of answer from the DM. This must be an attack at full strength, or else trivia will result. This spell requires concentration.